What Might Have Been
by librawriter
Summary: An impromptu visit to Iowa makes Jim wish for what might have been. One shot.


_AN: This story was inspired by one of my favorite songs, Ho, Hey by The Lumineers. Don't get me wrong, I am a __diehard__ Spock/Nyota shipper, but Chris Pine is so hawt I have to write about him some kinda way. Besides, in the film, his character tried to hit on Nyota when they first met. That tells me all I need to know. Loosely based on canon. I have to add that because if I don't, someone undoubtedly will write a review that goes something like "according to TOS/Wikipedia/insert some Star Trek fact site, this would never happen because Jim blah blah blah….". Anywhoodles, here we go. Enjoy!_

**What Might Have Been**

**RIVERSIDE, IOWA; 2259.91**

It was the making of a beautiful summer evening, the kind where the sun lingered just above the horizon, turning the surrounding landscape into a haze of blues, oranges and purples. It was a view that only a Starfleet Officer who spent countless hours among dark skies could fully appreciate, a scene that Jim Kirk could fully appreciate now that he was back on Earth. Back home. It wouldn't be long before the sun traded its place in the sky for its smaller sister, the moon. It would be up soon, and with it, the addition of more twinkling stars. There were already several burning brightly despite the fact that it wasn't quite their turn. Funny how none of the night wonders seemed as foreign now that Jim had been among them, was among one now. Nyota. It meant star.

She was with Spock. Jim would probably never quite understand _how_ she had managed to get inside that strange meticulous world of his First Officer, but nevertheless, they were an item. He used to secretly locate her whereabouts aboard the Enterprise when he was off duty, but stopped when he realized that she was always in Spock's quarters, or he was always in hers. Jim tried not to think what they did when they were alone. He liked to believe they spent their time playing three dimensional chess or arguing about math equations. He could think about that and not get that strange feeling in the pit of his stomach. Jim didn't want to think about what would happen if Nyota and Spock ever got married, for God's sake. She'd said more than once that she wasn't the type to ever want that, becoming a wife and having bunches of children running around. She liked her space, and Jim was holding her to her word.

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"_I can be a real bitch, as you know," she told him once. "OhmyGod, I'd be the worst mother in the world." _

"_No," he responded, knowing it wasn't true, "You wouldn't." He hoped the day would never come when she changed her mind, all the while denying to himself the real reason he even cared if they did or didn't become an official family. _

_Family. What a word that held little meaning. Loyalty was a word that meant more because he'd had so little of it growing up. Jim had shared experiences with a select few that had cemented their bond as friends, whether they were aware or not: Sulu, McCoy, Spock, Scotty, Carol. Carol was the newest crew member but she'd carved a space for herself into the tight knit clan because, after all, it had been she and him on that ship with Khan. Jim had been there when Khan had crushed her father's skull with his bare hands. _

_Jim and McCoy had immediately hit it off. Jim had also been able to form quick friendships with Scotty and Sulu. Spock's friendship had taken time. Nyota Uhura, however, was the first one of his now close circle he had met, and the second he'd seen her, he'd wanted her. She'd rejected him, of course. He'd had to earn her respect and then she'd ended up choosing the other guy. It was so fitting. It was the story of his life, the one where he was always trying, trying, trying to leave the past behind and prove he was good enough. _

_Yet when the crew had been granted their second official shore leave of the Enterprise, Jim had longed for that which he always seemed to struggle to forget- the past. He wanted to visit the place where'd he grown up. During most leave time, the crew desperately sought passes to return home to visit family and friends. Jim signed off on so many requests it made his head spin. Even Spock had decided to travel to New Vulcan to see how things in the colony were progressing._

"_You're not taking your girlfriend along for the ride?" Jim teased his Vulcan friend after signing the electronic docket for temporary leave._

"_Lieutenant Uhura has expressed interest in staying on Earth for this leave and I will not pressure her to do otherwise."_

_Jim winked. "Don't worry, I'll take good care of her." _

"_Captain," Spock began, stiffening in that way he always did when speaking about Nyota, "there is no need to insinuate that she would get herself into any disagreeable situation that would require your assistance. She is fully capable of caring for herself." _

_Jim let it drop. There was no use in joking around there. _

_Later, however, he did stop by Nyota's quarters. He was curious to know why she was among the few who had decided to stay in San Francisco. When she'd answered her door, he'd barged in without an invitation, wanting to know her plans. Nyota was used to him and his ways by now, so instead of throwing him out, she'd given her reasons for not returning to her home this time around. _

"_Before I graduated, I was conducting research on communication between non humans...I was studying animals and insects, actually. It was kind of my own personal examinations, not anything I was doing for Starfleet. Anyway, I haven't had time to update my investigation since graduation, so I've been looking forward to spending some time catching up," she told him. Jim chucked, shaking his head. "Jesus, you're a bookworm on wheels. An incredibly hot one, but a bookworm nonetheless." _

"_Ugh, you know what, don't cover up teasing me with a fake compliment. That may work for the groupies wanting a piece of 'elite Starfleet' ass, but not with me. I shouldn't have told you anything," she huffed, looking annoyed._

"_Elite Starfleet ass…hmm. It sounds like I've moved up in the ranks in your books." _

_She rolled her eyes and walked into her small kitchen, yanking open a cabinet and making preparations for coffee. "You can see yourself out, can't you? Seeing as how you find my plans so laughable." _

_Jim helped himself to a cup, and sat at the kitchen table. "Oh, chill out, Nyota. And I'm not leaving, I just got here. In all honesty, I think you should take a break. We won't get another leave until God knows when. Step out, live a little. Catch some sun." But then an idea struck him, and before he knew it, he was blurting out, "Hey, you should come with me to Iowa. I was going to go for two or three days. We used to have some pretty bizarre things going on with the fields when I lived there. I bet you'd be fascinated to poke around all the places where strange occurrences used to happen." _

_She paused. "What kind of occurrences?" _

_Jim shrugged. "Patterns in the fields. Places that stayed infertile when there was nothing proving anything wrong with the soil. Sightings of things hovering there at night. Extraterrestrial stuff, you know."_

_He wasn't expecting her to agree to it, but to his surprise, she frowning in contemplation, asking, "Are you sure? Are you sure your mother won't mind a guest on such short notice?" _

_Jim covered his surprise with an eye roll. "My mom is visiting her sister in Maine for one. My stepfather is doing time in lockup for intergalactic smuggling, and my brother is a raging alcoholic whose own kids don't even speak to him. This won't be a happy family reunion. I'm not even staying long, I just want to visit the house I grew up in. You know, reminisce about all the trouble I caused when I was a kid. That's it. A day and a half, tops. Separate bedrooms. I think you should come. It's no big deal. We'll be back before you know it. You have the rest of the time to work on your other research. Scout's honor."_

"_You're not a scout, Captain." _

_Jim groaned, dropping his head into his hands. "Christ, you sound just like him." _

_Nyota smiled, pouring some coffee into his mug, and then filling her own. "I'm sorry. It rubs off on you after awhile." _

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Jim had parked _Harlan_, the fastest shuttlepod on the Enterprise, in the backyard. "Hopefully, no one knows how to jumpstart her. I certainly would have tried when I'd been a kid," he quipped as he fumbled in his pocket for the key to unlock his childhood home.

"Why am I _not_ surprised you would say that," Nyota commented, stepping into the kitchen area behind him.

Amazingly, it smelled the way he remembered when he'd been here last. How long had it been? Four years? Some things had changed, but not a lot. He walked over to the corner of the kitchen where his mother still kept her tiny rooster collection. He picked one of the older ones up, figuring the yellow and red figurine made of wood in his hands. "Mom had this purple glass rooster. She called him Chuck. She'd found it among some ruins when she was off planet. She loved that thing. And then one day, I saw my stepdad put it in his pocket. My mom went nuts looking for it, so I told her what I saw. That bastard had taken it to some black market bazaar and sold it for drugs. When he found out I'd told my mom…man, he beat my ass."

Nyota shook her head. "He sounds awesome. And by awesome, I mean _jerk_."

"Yeah, he was," Jim said. "And the worst part was that everyone could see it except my mom. But enough on that sack of shit. Come on, I'll show you were you can put your stuff down."

He really hadn't the right to be telling her any of this. He didn't need a reason to feel any closer to her than he already did. Yet it was hard to control the feelings, especially when they were alone. She tripped over the ledge on the last step, grabbing for his hand to steady herself from falling. "Whoa, you okay?" he asked, and was more adamant about letting go than she was. He couldn't. He couldn't let himself, not here, not ever.

"Yes. Thanks for the save," she said. He opened the door to his brother's old room, which thankfully, was clean and neat. George had been the neat one, at least he had before he'd become a drunkard. Jim's room was a fucking bomb, left exactly the same way as he'd remembered, jamming things into a duffel bag the night before he knew he was joining Starfleet, hurling clothes and papers everywhere. The empty bottle of Jack Daniels and a shot glass were still in the corning of the room.

"When my mom said she wasn't cleaning up after me anymore, she damn sure meant it," Jim said. "Excuse the mess." He helped himself to taking a shot. There was enough for about six. Alcohol didn't go bad, did it?

"Hey, don't go getting wasted before I get the full farmhouse tour," Nyota said, taking the shot glass from his hand and pouring one herself. She swallowed it in one gulp, shaking her head to get it down.

"Uh oh, we're about to get drunk in my room," Jim chuckled. "What's with you? Taking a shot with me? Did hell freeze over and I didn't get the memo?"

"Jim," Nyota said. "It's been one completely and utterly insane year. I never expected so much so soon. I think I'm entitled to a shot. Or two."

Jim poured her another one and took a long guzzle from the bottle. "I still remember the first time we met. You wouldn't even let me buy you a drink."

She took the bottle from him, and mimicked his actions, afterwards, wincing in disgust, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. "I was rude. I'm sorry, Jim. It's just that...me and Spock…we were sort of just getting started. That night he hadn't understood the reason why I wanted to go out partying with my friends. I wanted to be able to tell him I hadn't gone in search of another guy. That _and_ it was obvious you were just looking for fresh meat."

"Fresh _meat_? How crude," Jim retorted. "I wasn't looking for that. I just saw a beautiful girl and I took a chance, is all."

Nyota was looking around the room, fingering the various posters. "That's certainly your forte," she muttered. "Looking for beautiful girls."

_I only want one for sure. _

"Come on. Let's check out the spots where all that crazy stuff used to happen. Then I'll cook you a nice steak dinner. Or…make something from whatever my mom has got in her replicator," Jim said.

They ended up going for a long walk. There was a lot to show her on his old farm house property. She was fascinated by the fields of corn that stretched for miles and miles. Finally, they had come to one of those same spots where there had been reports of strange flying objects. The patches of earth were bare and brown, and still bore not a trace of life.

"It _is_ interesting," Nyota said, hiccupping. She knelt down to the earth, pressing her fingers into it. "I wish I'd thought to bring a beaker. I would love to test the soil in these areas!"

"Hey," Jim said, looking up at the rapidly approaching night sky. It spun…slightly. Nyota stood, staggering a little. She grabbed his shoulder with a giggle. Okay, so maybe they were both a little tipsy. A little.

"What?" she asked.

"Listen to that."

Nyota cocked her head to the side, scrunching up her face. "I don't hear anything."

"Listen carefully, _Lieutenant_. That sound. The cicadas and crickets. And of course you know what an owl sounds like. We haven't heard _real_ noises like that in six months," Jim said.

They stood in the field, with Nyota's hand on his shoulder, and listened for some time. Jim couldn't remember the last time he had felt so peaceful. This whole day had seemed so much like a dream.

"And you know what, Jim? We won't hear that sound again for five years at _least_ next time we take off," Nyota said. She started back towards the farm house, and Jim hurried his steps to catch up with her. They walked slowly, arms occasionally brushing against each other. The earth crunched beneath their feet, dried hay and fallen pieces of crop returning to dust between the rows.

"It's actually very beautiful here," Nyota said. They had walked back to the front porch, and the sun was close to dipping beneath the sky line. She sat down on the steps, and Jim sat next to her, closer than he dared. He drew in a deep breath. Best to keep talking. That would drown out the words gathering in his heart, words he feared he'd never be able to say, but desperately wanted to. "It's insane that being back here makes me feel like a kid again," he said. "I've been around the world. I've seen people die, and brought back to life. And there's still that part of me that can go _back_, even if it's just in my mind."

"That's a good thing," Nyota said. "It's good to be able to feel, all the way."

The day had slowly turned to night when they hadn't been looking. The sounds of the Iowa night came alive around them, sitting on the front porch of Jim's childhood home. Nyota giggled, nudging him gently. "From corn husker to Star Fleet captain. Not bad, country boy. Not bad. If it's worth anything, you should feel proud of yourself. You're stubborn as hell, but you're smart. Brilliant, actually. I respect that about you. You're a good leader, a _great_ leader. I'm proud of you."

Jim laughed. "What? I can't _believe_ you're being so nice to me."

Nyota nudged him playfully again. "Give me some credit, I've changed since that first time we met. Haven't you noticed?"

Jim couldn't resist anymore. "I notice everything about you," he said gently, putting a hand on her knee.

Nyota looked at his hand, then up into his eyes. "Jim…" she breathed. "You know I love him."

He felt his insides twist violently, but not out of anger. Hurt. He hated hearing her say that out loud. "I don't think you're right for him," he heard himself say. He was doing it, when he'd promised himself he wouldn't. This was why he shouldn't ever be alone with her. He got too much liberty at the mouth, and it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

"I am. We're right for each other," she said. She put her hand over his, but the gesture didn't come off as her wanting him to move his hand off of her leg. It was more comforting, which caused the twisting feeling to rise up to his chest.

"But _how_? And _why_?"

Nyota shrugged. "It's hard to explain. We just _get_ each other. There was always something there."

Jim let his hand drop from her leg, staring out into the fields. "I didn't mean to be offensive. And I'm not trying to come between you, I swear I'm not. I just want you to know how I feel."

"I know how you feel. I'm the only girl in the galaxy that hasn't been persuaded to get naked for you. It drives you nuts," Nyota said, and looked at him, laughing.

"It's not like that, Nyota. I honestly care about you."

Her smile faded as she realized he was being dead serious. "I care about you too, Jim. I do. You're my friend-"

"No," Jim interrupted, getting frustrated. "No, what I'm saying is I wanna be _more_ than that. Don't you get it?"

It was the way she was looking at him, and the way the moon had risen just over the edge of the world, casting perfect lighting across the old house that made him do it-lean into her and kiss her on the mouth. He pulled back slightly, but when she didn't slap him or push him away, he slid his hand to her neck, kissing her again, harder. There was something so beautifully innocent trapped in that moment that for a second, he thought she had finally given in. But then she _was_ pulling away, gently, her hand closing over his. "We can't…I can't, Jim…"she said softly.

Fuck. Why did it have to be her and Spock? Why did his heart have to be with the one who would not accept it?

He nodded, letting go slowly. "It might be best if we…if we headed back tonight then. Otherwise, I'm going to be spending the next two days in hell."

"Jim, you don't have to do that. You said you wanted to come home, and it's not...I mean…please don't—"

"It's fine. I'll come back another time. Alone," he said. He stood, helping her to her feet. He let his hands hold hers a moment while he jerked his head towards the house. "Go on and get your things. I'll wait here."

She looked into his eyes for a moment, then, seeing that he meant what he'd said about leaving, went back in. He listened for her feet going up the stairs while he gathered his courage. He wished she hadn't stopped him. He wished she had pulled him by the hand and led him back up to his bedroom. But wishing wouldn't do anything. It seldom did.

Once Nyota had come back downstairs, Jim made sure the house was locked up, and then the two of them headed back around towards the _Harlan_.

"He can read minds, you know. If he comes at you with four fingers up, run. He'll kill you if he finds out I let you kiss me," Nyota said.

"So why did you let me?"

Nyota sighed. "When that Klingon grabbed my throat, you were the first one out of the ship. Spock and I argued about that. He said he trusted me to defend myself, but you weren't willing to take any chances. So I guess…in a way…it's my thank you."

_Thank me again. And again, and then again after that. _

"Spock was up first. I just knocked him out of the way to get to you," Jim admitted. It was the right thing to do.

"Well, what's done is done. I don't regret it, but that can't happen again," she said. She walked up the ramp of the _Harlan_, turning back at the door. "Jim? Come on."

If this was going to be it, he may as well go full commando. "There's something you have to know before we get back on that shuttle."

Nyota paused, resting an arm against the door, her hair hanging down over her shoulder. "What is it?"

"Right here, on Earth, in Iowa where we first met…this is where everything started for me. We're gonna travel to some crazy places and see some crazy things, Nyota. But to me, you're…more amazing than anything out there. You are the complete package. I always want to keep you safe. I always want you to be part of…"

_My life…_

"…of my crew."

She smiled. "Thank you, Jim. I mean it. I'm glad to be part of the team, and I'll always do my best for the crew."

"Nyota…" he said as he walked up the ramp towards her. He stopped, standing in front of her. Some of her hair had fallen into her face, and he couldn't help but to reach up and touch it. "Spock isn't the only one who loves you," he said softly.

They looked at each other. Her move. An entire lifetime passed before she nodded, once.

"I know," she finally whispered. "Now let's go." She took his hand, pulling him onto the shuttle. It hadn't been the response he'd wanted, but at least it wasn't a secret anymore. He'd have no regrets if something happened to him. She knew now. At least she knew.

"Jim?" she said as she strapped herself in.

"Yeah?"

"In another life…I could see us…you know…together. Living normally. Married...with kids. Stuff like that," she said, looking out the window.

"Absolutely," he said, clearing a throat that burned suddenly. "I'd be, I dunno, running a farm and you'd be teaching first grade." He punched the code to start up the _Harlan_, harder than necessary. His eyes stung, but he blinked rapidly until the sensation passed. He was the Captain of the Enterprise, not a lovesick teenager.

Nyota made a face, looking over her shoulder at him. "Teacher? More like…scientist. Engineer, maybe. But teacher, I don't think so-"

"I could definitely see you being a teacher."

"No way. I'm too impatient to deal with children all day."

"Hey, it's that _other_ life. So why not? You'd be Mrs. Kirk. Anything could be possible," he said. He started the shuttlepod up, and it churned as it prepared for liftoff.

The ride back to the Enterprise was familiar, quiet, each of them lost in their own considerations. Soon enough, there'd be a million things to do, a thousand logs to complete, a thousand investigations to conduct. But at night, when Jim slept alone, his thoughts would always come back to Iowa, back to the place where, for a split second underneath a fading summer sun, every dream had come true.


End file.
